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  “Kee Kee will poo-poo, Mommy,” Sammy lectured.

  “Yes, Kee Kee will, but Mommy needs her cage to catch freaky, tiny purple monkeys.” I hoped I had thought of everything, but doubted it. There was no time to delay. As soon as Mom let herself in, I introduced Winnalea as a relative on Jim’s side and out the door I dashed. Mindy, the Monster Killer! Roar!

  Chapter 2

  Jim

  I blazed through a tunnel of light, and time seemed to stand still. Everything froze as scenes from my childhood appeared and faded. I saw my parents who died in a plane crash when I was only three. I remembered their outfits from the last day I saw them. Mom wore a pink dress with flowers and a white coat with a long crochet scarf. Dad wore his gray slacks and button-down shirt, forever smiling in my mind.

  It was a surreal projection. My life with Grams and my high school graduation flashed before my eyes, swirling around me as if I was stuck in the eye of a hurricane. More visions from my life appeared--meeting Mindy in college, myself on bended knee proposing, Sam arriving only two years after our wedding. Am I dreaming or dying? Last thing I remember, I was in bed drinking champagne with Mindy. I must still be asleep.

  Reality hit me in the ass as I landed on a jelly-like substance smelling a lot like dog doo. Ugh, not my idea of the perfect Thursday morning. I had a serious schedule today. I slid across the slick, yellow surface, trying to stand, but the jelly rocked below me, sending me on a long slide into a pool of watery sludge. The little existing light vanished, and I was in total darkness. Something rumbled all around me and I panicked when the wall I touched contracted. The sound and stench of a burp, up close and personal, electrified my nose hair. The jelly was endless and crept up my legs. I must be in someone’s stomach--correction, something--because it was large enough to make me look like a fish-stick.

  Mindy and I led interesting lives. The element of surprise was one of the reasons I married her. Something unexpected was always happening and she usually reacted in a funny, Mindy-ish way. Waking up in a stomach was new, however, and I wasn’t particularly interested in a Jonah reenactment. He spent three days there and needed an act of God to escape.

  I kicked, punched, and attempted to give whatever the hell this was a major bellyache. It worked, because the next thing I knew, my whole tummy-verse shook. I flew to and fro. The organ closed in squashing my body. For one very scary moment, I feared becoming Pancake Boy. The creature’s throat convulsed and I was unceremoniously spat out, landing on my can. I swiped my face as best I could, which wasn’t great, but at least I got enough of the gunk off so I could see, and then wished I hadn’t. Something the color of snot and the size of a sperm whale knelt with its arms clutched around its belly, disgorging the rest of whatever it had eaten before having a Jim snack.

  While the monster heaved, I scrambled behind some nearby rocks. The place was illuminated, but not by the sun. Bioluminescent, flowering plants--like Spanish moss if it were made up of a zillion fireflies--lit the area. Was this a Technicolor dream? Maybe a Romero version of The Wizard of Oz? I enjoyed the scenery, though I was half scared out of my mind. The plants and flowers grew in every single hue imaginable. Cherry-red blossoms, the size of my head, bobbed and swayed in the wind. A vine with pink and orange rosebuds trailed up the giant, lush trees. The ground was a patchwork carpet of different kinds of grass, creating a virtual chess-board across eternity. Like time-lapse photography, wild flowers, most I couldn’t identify, bloomed before me as if I was in one of Sammy’s cartoons. Unfortunately, my only C in college had been in botany.

  I stood at the edge of a forest, contemplating my options. To pass the carnivorous, mustard-colored version of the Jolly Green Giant meant going deeper into the wooded area. Behind me, there was a cultivated field. Holy Sweet Civilization, Batman! Farmland didn’t offer much in the way of cover however, so I knew which way I was going.

  The slick sludge covering my body made it hard to get a grip on the rocky surface of the boulder I had half climbed. I probably looked like Daffy Duck, as I tried to make a run for it. Clad only in my boxer briefs and bereft of shoes, I darted off toward the right of Bob the Blob and into the tree line. I didn’t want any part of Bob and I didn’t enjoy being out in the open for easy pickings either. Bob was huge and scary, but slow and cumbersome for his size. He roared behind me. Upping the speed, I darted in and out of the trees, trying to catch a glance of anything that would serve as cover.

  Mindy was the special-agent-detective, whatever! This wasn’t my forte, and I only had half a clue what I was doing because of the time I spent in ROTC in college. I was a history professor that specialized in Medieval Europe, and wasn’t trained to deal with this Other Realm crap.

  She hadn’t shared much, because most everything was confidential. As a spouse, I was sworn to secrecy and infinite understanding. I didn’t want to know the details, because I didn’t care to be mind-wiped.

  I stopped at a bog. The mushy, water-logged tundra squished beneath my feet. I inspected the green moss, leery of a tar pit or quicksand. When safety registered, I turned to see how Bob was progressing. The nightmarish, lumbering beast was thrashing trees like long reeds. He was coming at me hard, but I was a four-day-a-week, three-mile runner, and I had a lot of wind still left in my sails. I saw a fortress in the distance. It looked like a fourteenth century, French castle with fancy, arranged turrets complete with moat. It was worth a try.

  I concentrated on picking a line with my eyes and focused on my feet landing there. It was probably three miles from where I stood and a little to the right of the tree line’s safety. I would have to get out in the open, so I tried to amp up my speed. About a quarter mile out, I scanned the fortress looking for an entry, but the drawbridge was up. The moat was a solid drop of about thirty feet, filled with gray bubbling water. I ran while muttering, “Down, down, down, damn it!” Skidding to a halt at the edge of the drop, I yelled in frustration, “What the hell!”

  To my amazement, the drawbridge descended until, finally, I was able to cross. Fatigued, I stumbled and nearly fell headlong into the bubbling liquid below. My hackles rose when I looked back and saw Bob the Blob foaming at the mouth. “Up! Up,” I cried out.

  I was a hair’s breadth from panicking when I saw the drawbridge rise, trapping me in the center courtyard. It was straight out of a fairytale.

  The giant leapt for the bridge, clawing its wooden planks as the door ascended. Bob wailed as his fingers mashed between wood and stones. The next sound I heard was a gurgling splash. I sighed with relief, slowly taking in my surroundings. Blue, white, red, and gold stars, larger than I had ever seen decorated the sky like gems tossed on black velvet. Double moons gave off enough light to see. It must still be night. Giant plum-colored roses wound their way up the trellis and onto the brick, with lush, green ivy growing in between. My eyes found the center tower above the drawbridge where a woman stared down at me with vague curiosity.

  “Who art thou?” she called down, visible from the chin up.

  “I’m Jim, Jim Nichols.” My voice sounded a little high-pitched, so I cleared my throat and repeated in a firmer tone. “Dr. Jim Nichols, Tulane University.” I stood, holding my shoulders back, trying to look professional. I ignored my bare chest and dingy boxers that boasted “Skid Marks,” with a picture of two bears skiing down my rump.

  “A doctor you say?” She leaned out the stone window, interest lilting her voice. Her hair cascaded in solid waves of golden silk. Jewels sparkled in her tresses and a large emerald hung around her neck, gracing her ample bosom. The amulet winked at me, giving off an extraordinary light. She was, forgive me for thinking it, the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.

  Chapter 3

  Mindy

  I struggled with the large, covered cage I kept in front of me to help push forward. Like a ball in a pinball machine, I bounced off person after person. I tried to “open my inner eye” as I was instructed during training, but for some reason I always ended up closing my outer
eyes which led to--

  “Hey! Watch it!” yelled a scantily-clad brunette. I muttered an apology, since I almost mowed her down in my haste. My ORB senses drew me away from the crowd to a dark alley only a person with a death wish would enter.

  “I do not get paid enough for this,” I mumbled and sucked in a breath.

  Chattering from behind a dumpster assured me my abilities weren’t misdirected. Pausing, I dug a stuffed animal from my pack and removed the cover from the bird cage. I planned to duplicate Winnalea’s whistle, wave the scruffy teddy bear, then, when I had the buggers’ attention, toss it into the cage. Hopefully, the purple fuzz balls would dash in after it. I crept closer, eyeing the ORBs with uncertain anticipation.

  Now festooned with colorful Mardi Gras beads, the imps took turns swilling from a bottle of rum and stuffed their faces with discarded pizza crusts. I set the cage on the ground then knelt beside it. Whispering a prayer--Catholic girl through and through--I gave myself a quick pep talk, “Come on, Melinda Marie, let’s do this.” Taking a deep breath, I put two fingers to my mouth and whistled as my dad taught me at the age of seven. Sure enough, the things stopped, their attention riveted. I waved Teddy and their eyes followed as I tossed the bear at the cage beside me. I cringed as it bounced off the wicker, missing the door. They scurried to the stuffed animal and lit into it, each taking a different limb, tugging. R-r-r-r-i-i-i-i-p! White stuffing erupted and the imps hissed, baring their teeth and thumping their chests. They tossed the bits at each other then turned to me. Not a cheerful bunch. Just to add fun to the evening, a growl resounded from the blackness of the alley. The ORBs were instantly silenced as a large, mangy dog slinked forward. As it approached, I noticed its foam-flecked muzzle. My eyes went back and forth--angry fuzz balls, scary dog, angry fuzz balls, scary dog, angry fuzz balls...

  I fished more stuffed animals from my open knapsack and tossed them between the dog and the ORBs. The distracted ORBs descended on the stuffed toys and the dog descended on the ORBs. Snatching one imp, he shook it and flung it against the wall where it drooped unconscious.

  Well, I was supposed to dispose of them, I rationalized as the mutt bit the head off the last one standing. No one specified how. I checked for the imp by the wall, but it was no longer there. It must have died from its injuries and Blinked. I backed out of the alley as the dog continued to munch. I was down to one ORB, Winnalea. I frowned.

  My bandana held my hair back and kept the overgrown bangs from my eyes as I dashed homeward. When Sammy was a toddler, yanking everything, including and especially my hair, I made the horrendous decision to copy Mia Farrow’s pixie cut. It was finally at my shoulders, but the bangs were not quite long enough to tuck behind the ears and it drove me crazy.

  I hoped my mother bought the story that Winnalea was a relative of Jim’s from out of town with a cleaning compulsion. I said Jim was bailing his cousin out of jail--not, unfortunately, an unusual event. When I left my apartment, Mom was on the way to Sammy’s room. The two of them should be asleep, fingers crossed. Winnalea’s trusting expression popped into my mind, disrupting the mission I planned.

  “Dammit! All ORBs are hostile. They have always been, and I have a job I must do,” I said it aloud, discrediting my own sanity. With the noise, no one could hear, but I still winced at my unprofessional behavior. I would hate for someone to get mind-wiped because of my bad habit of talking to myself.

  Chapter 4

  The Brownie

  Removing the books from the last shelf, I continued dusting with dismay. How could that poor woman live this way? There was dust everywhere and the poor wee bairn, so little and having to breathe it all in! I continued with the pink feather duster I had found tossed under the water flow in the kitchen. My usual mistress would love such a thing! Imagine having water flowing through a tube right into the keep and hot water at that. I recognized the kitchen as soon as I arrived. I was in the larder in my mistress’s keep right before...before what, was the question. Me own mum had taught me well, so I was not one to panic.

  “If you see an ogre, don’t fret with ye now,” she would say.

  No matter what happened, I was always to stay calm and carry on with the business at hand. My mum wielded a mean broom when needed.

  The current mum of the house left me with her own mum. A nice lady! She made me tea and served me something she called a Cheeto, in a lovely white bowl, with a cute little mouse in the center. She said the mouse was famous throughout the land and all the children loved him. I smiled at that. No one loved mice on Ortharos. Wee things, aye, yet, with one bite of their little needle teeth, you are paralyzed within seconds. They nibble your eyes and keep devouring you right through your thinker! Watching Sammy as she turned the pages of each book with great interest, I wondered if she would grow tall like her mum or stay small like me.

  She smiled up at me, and I noticed her missing tooth. “Oh, no, miss! You’re missing a gobbler,” I teased, and she giggled. “If you show me it, I can make it new fer ye.”

  The wee darling ran to her room, pulled it out from beneath her pillow, and showed me. It was a tiny thing, I waved my hand over it in circular motion, spinning and chanting, until the tooth rose between us. Little Miss squealed with wonder, and I smiled. I forgot how wondrous magic can be when you are young and have never seen it. “Oh my, would you like to learn the incantation?” I said, surprised she nae knew. It was then that Mums entered with flair, slamming the door closed, and scaring the poor dear to death!

  Chapter 5

  Mindy

  I poked the elevator button, ever optimistic that one time it would greet me with a functioning ding, but, to no avail, I lingered in silence at the darkened button. Like they fixed it while I worked to save the world. Sighing, I ran up the stairs. I don’t mind stairs, but the apartment manager couldn’t seem to keep the stairwell equipped with working lights, so the stairwell was dim and creepy. Last week, I gripped the banister, and a cockroach ran up my arm. I freaked out. Ironically, Mindy, the Monster Killer is terrified of not-so-little bugs. I rushed in to find my resilient daughter clapping with glee as the ORB spun a tooth midair, chanting God knew what to Sammy.

  “Sammy! Come here right now!” The cage clattered to the floor as I grabbed my daughter and thrust her behind me. The tooth bounced on the green shag carpet. “Where’s Grandma? Winnalea, you didn’t do anything to my mother, did you?”

  Sammy tugged my hand. “Grandma’s asleep. I couldn’t. I came out for a glass of water and I saw the books--and, Mommy, I did magic!”

  I struggled to keep a pleasant expression on my face, despite the dawning horror.

  “Twas a simple spell, Mums. Most little ones with magic know it. I didnae mind showing Little Miss.” Winnalea picked up the tooth and handed it to me. Slowly, I turned, taking in the dusted shelves, the stacked magazines on the coffee table, and the much-scrubbed rug stain gone. Even the walls looked a brighter white.

  I knelt beside Sammy. “Sweetie, Mommy needs to talk to Winnalea. Bedtime. It’s late and you have school tomorrow.”

  “Oh, Mommy! Do I have to?” she pleaded, pulling out the Look, the I’m-adorable-and-you-can-refuse-me-nothing expression. Battling sympathetic pangs, I resisted, took her to bed, and tucked her in. Now, what the hell should I do with the brownie in my living room?

  When I returned from Sammy’s room, Winnalea was perched on the edge of the tidy couch in front of the television. Apparently, Mom left it on channel three. Johnny Carson’s face filled the screen. I needed to talk to Winnalea and find out more about her world and its inhabitants. Her small form hunched in front of the television, engrossed. Tired, I calmly sat beside her. Florence Henderson, from the Brady Bunch, tap-danced across the screen with a purple imp.

  “Well, I’ll be a radiant worm-keeper,” Winnalea said in amazement.

  I wasn’t sure if she was talking about the imp, the television, or both, and what was a radiant worm-keeper?

  “How did that purple fuzz ball get to
California? He was in an alley off Toulouse less than an hour ago!” I cried in frustration as I jumped from the sofa.

  “Oh, they are a wee, fast breed, the purple imps,” she confided.

  “I’ll say!” I ran my hands through my hair, raking off the bandana, and paced the room. “Winnalea, how can I catch this imp? California is a four-day car ride without stopping and a half day’s flight!”

  “’Tis nae a problem.” She paused. “Though you don’t care much for magic.” She glanced at my fist squeezing the tooth and warily assessed me as I looked askance. Winnalea’s cleaning skills outshone even my mother’s, and she worked with a sweet disposition and great manners. The tooth-spinning thing didn’t harm Sammy, and I needed her advice. My job was on the line and I wanted to find Jim, so something had to give. ISMAT taught all would be restored, once all ORBs were destroyed. I was desperate to dispose of the imp, but what would I do about poor Mrs. Butterworth?

  Winnalea’s motherly, coaxing eyes stared into my own. “Mums, I can help if ye are up to using your magic?”

  “My magic?” She was the tooth fairy, not me.

  “Yes, the energy of your magic within glows. Can ye nae see it?”

  “No. I mean I can sense ORBs when they are near, which makes me a top tracking agent, but no magic.”

  “Oh, I see,” she said, nodding her head continuing to humor me.

  “See what?” I grumbled. “Do I glow or something?”

  “Why, yes, my dearie. You’re quite radiant!” Closing her eyes, Winnalea waved her hand in a circle at me. Blinding light seemed to come from my core. I held out my own hand and gazed at golden, translucent skin.